Date: 2007-11-29 09:20 Subject: Delusions Shared Security: Public Tags: lupin/snape, mpreg, nc-17, see warnings, sweetmelodykiss

Title: Delusions Shared
Sequel to: Delusional
Author: sweetmelodykiss
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Category: Fic, H/C, Angst, Romance, First Time
Warnings: Mpreg, Angst, refers to rape
Summary: Severus tries to cope with the emotional turmoil of carrying his rapist's child.
Disclaimer: I do not own them.
Word Count: 3650
Beta: ivylady




Severus had been stuck at Grimmauld Place now for almost two months. Stir crazy, that's what he was. He was going insane from boredom, the only excitement coming when he was busy hugging the toilet. Every morning he spent at least two hours in the bathroom emptying the contents of his stomach. The heartburn was bad enough, but the nausea was positively horrible.

"Damn, Black! Damn him to hell!" Severus roared as he heaved more green bile into the commode.

Remus rushed into the bathroom as he always did whenever Severus was ill. The sight of the werewolf turned his stomach even more. Severus could barely stand to look at him, but he had nowhere else to go. He had to stay where he was, his feelings on the subject be damned.

He'd pleaded with Albus to let him return to Hogwarts, but to no avail. Dumbledore wouldn't budge. He recited all the reasons for his decision and tried to mollify Severus as best he could. Severus would not be safe at Hogwarts and he certainly couldn't teach. The fumes from the potions were entirely too toxic for him to be near them.

"Severus? Are you all right? Can I get you anything, a cold cloth or some broth perhaps?" Remus asked in that infuriatingly gentle voice of his.

"No, and get out!" Severus screamed at him.

Remus left as he usually did, but Severus knew he was waiting just outside the door to make sure he was all right.

"That miserable, meddling wolf is always sticking his muzzle where it does not belong. Why can't he just leave me alone?" Severus mumbled to himself.

Of course, that little nagging inner voice always answered back, "Because he loves you, you fool."

"Shut up!" Severus chastised his inner voice. He really hated that little voice with a passion.

Remus Lupin had been nothing but compassionate and attentive to the point of obsession, bending over backwards and catering to his every whim. It was suffocating. All Severus wanted was peace and quiet, silence enough to brood in.

Nightmares plagued him, and he relived the rape every night. Severus was afraid to go to sleep for fear of waking the wolf. Remus was in the bedroom right next door. At the sound of the first scream, Remus would rush in like a knight in shining armor.

Near the end of the third month, Severus gave up and finally let the wolf stay. From the moment Remus began sleeping in the same bed with him the nightmares stopped.

In the mornings when he would wake, he'd find himself wrapped around that damn werewolf, but he was warm and he felt safe so he stopped complaining.

Another day dawned and Severus managed to drag himself out of bed and down the stairs. He managed to make it into the kitchen by noontime.

"Good morning, Severus. You really slept late today, but you look much better, more rested. Come and sit down. I made you some porridge. It should be easy on your stomach."

"I don't want any, Lupin. I have no appetite. Just give me some tea."

"Severus, you know you can't have tea. Here, have some milk. You need something nutritious in your body. Please, you have to start eating. This isn't healthy for you or the baby."

"I want tea, damn you! I don't want any blasted milk and I don't care a thing about this hell spawn, or myself for that matter." Severus shouted and flung the glass of milk at Remus.

Severus got up and stormed out of the kitchen. He headed straight for his bedroom and upon entering it, slammed the door, locking and warding it behind him.

Remus sighed in exasperation. He was still wiping up spilt milk when Harry arrived to take over.

"Um... sorry, Remus. Is this a bad time?" Harry asked, shaking his head. "Oh, let me guess, you just went another round with His Supreme Horror. How in the bloody hell do you do it?"

"It's not his fault, you know. He's been through hell and I'm not sure I'd be able to cope if our situations were reversed," Remus stated. "He's better than he was, though. I see improvement every day. At least he lets me stay in his room at night without complaint," Remus said with a half smile, wiping a spot of milk off his nose.

Harry quirked an eyebrow and looked at the mess in the kitchen. Milk everywhere didn't look like improvement to him, but whatever: he wasn't going to argue the point.

"How is Sirius?" Remus asked, sobering quickly.

"Uh, he's about the same. Some days he's responsive, some days he's not. Sometimes he just sits and rocks, staring into space. I wish I knew where he went when he zones out like that."

"What do the doctors say?" Remus asked.

"Not much. In my opinion, they don't have a clue. It's just so frustrating for me to see him like that. I know he's in there. Some days he's perfectly coherent, as lucid as you and I. If I had a place of my own, I'd take him home so I could care for him properly. All he needs is to be around people who love him," Harry said.

"I know you want to care for him, Harry, but you're too young. You've just barely turned sixteen. We've placed enough expectations on your shoulders without that added responsibility of caring for an ill man. Besides, you're not trained to deal with psychological disorders," Remus stated vehemently.

"Have you been to see him, Remus?" Harry already knew the answer to his question, but he wanted to see what kind of excuse Remus would give for not visiting Sirius.

"No, Harry, I haven't and I have no plans to do so. I can't leave Severus," he explained.

"I could stay with him while you go. Professor Dumbledore would permit it if he had a good reason. After all, he lets me stay with him during the nights of the full moon. We could make arrangements next week, if you'd like?" he couldn't stop the slight pleading in his voice.

Remus shook his head, "No, Harry, and that's final. I don't want to see Sirius. I can't. I'm still too angry. Damn it, he almost killed Severus."

Remus had begun to shake, and Harry decided to drop the subject. The change would take place at moonrise, only a few hours away, and that was stressful enough without him adding to it.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't mean to upset you. We won't talk about it anymore. Here, I brought you your Wolfsbane," Harry said, shoving the goblet towards Remus.

"Thank you. I didn't mean to be so cross with you. It's just a very emotional subject. You know how I feel about Severus and it was Sirius who cost me that relationship in the first place," Remus looked thoroughly miserable.

"I know, and I truly am sorry, but I think you should go upstairs and try to rest some before moonrise. I'll check on Professor Snape and see if I can get him to eat something," Harry soothed.

"Thank you, Harry. I appreciate your assistance more that I can say. If you need anything, just come and get me. If there's trouble after I've changed, fire call Albus, all right?"

"Sure, but I don't understand why you don't come out of your room after the change. You're perfectly coherent. So what's the problem?"

"Honestly, Harry, I don't want to put anymore stress on Severus. He's afraid of me in wolf form. He always has been, and I want him to feel safe here. It's just better if I stay in my room out of sight," Remus explained.

"I suppose I see your point," Harry agreed, even though he knew Remus would chew off his own leg before he ever hurt Professor Snape.

"I'll see you in the morning, Harry. Take good care of Severus."

"I will. I promise. Now go get some rest," Harry said smiling as he shooed Remus off.

Harry looked around the kitchen and decided to put his cooking skills to use. The porridge Remus had made earlier didn't look very appetizing. It was no wonder Snape didn't want to eat it.

Harry decided to be bad and give the poor man something actually palatable, so he made Snape bacon and eggs with a side of potatoes. He knew Remus wouldn't approve, but Snape desperately needed some food in his system.

Harry finished cooking, loaded all of it on a tray with some juice and biscuits, and then headed upstairs with his creation. Harry stopped if front of Snape's door and knocked with his foot.

"Professor Snape," Harry called out. "Open the door. I have something for you."

"Go away," he ordered through the closed door. "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you or the wolf and I certainly don't want anything that you have to offer. Get away from my door, Potter."

Harry let out an exasperated sigh. Remus had been taking the wrong approach this whole time. Snape didn't know how to respond to gentleness and so Harry decided to take a different approach.

"I'm going to count to three, Professor, and if you don't open the door by the time I finish, I'm going to blast it off its hinges. One, two..."

Snape flung open the door and glared at the boy. His expression could've curdled milk.

"How dare you take that tone with me, Potter? Who do you think you are, you insolent brat? I'm not afraid of your threats or bullying," Snape snarled. "You're just like your miserable excuse for a father."

Snape brought out the claws, and Harry had to stop himself from striking the man.

"Thank you," Harry smiled as he pushed past him with the tray of food.

He set the tray on the little table by the window and turned back to Snape.

"I made you breakfast. Come and eat it while it's still hot," Harry sat down and made himself comfortable across from where he'd placed the tray. "It's bacon and eggs with some potatoes."

Snape looked at the plate and took a step forward. The aroma of the food was starting to get to him. It really did smell heavenly.

"Lupin said I wasn't supposed to eat things like that," Severus stated, eyeing the food with definite interest.

"I know. I know, but you have to eat and you need more than porridge. Please, Sir, won't you try just a bit?"

Severus sat down across from Harry and picked up his fork. He delicately tasted the first bite and raised an eyebrow. The food was surprisingly delicious. He opened his mouth and shoveled in another bite. Yes, quite tasty, Severus decided. Harry watched with a crooked smile as Snape devoured the entire plate.

When Snape had finished, Harry moved the tray over to the dresser by the door. He needed to have a little chat with Snape before he left so he returned to his seat and smiled at Snape.

"What do you want, Potter -- a prize? Just because I ate that mess it does not give you any right to make yourself comfortable in my room or assume that we are now bosom buddies," Severus snarled.

"I would never assume such a thing, Sir. I know that you don't like me and I can't do anything about that. I just wanted you to know that in spite of our past I don't want anything to happen to you. You have to eat and take your vitamins. Remus only has your best interest at heart. He would never do anything to hurt you."

Snape snorted, "I don't need a lecture from a snot-nosed brat. I will do as I see fit and no one can stop me. You and that bloody wolf can throw yourselves off a cliff, for all I care."

Harry laughed aloud, "Well, that's very sweet of you to say, Sir, but I don't think I could pry Remus away from you long enough for that.

Snape smirked slightly, "Fine, you've given your little speech so you may go now. I'm tired and I'd like to lie down."

"All right, Sir, I'll go. If you need anything, just come and get me. I'll be in the living room studying. I'll make you some soup later. Do you want me to bring it to you or would you like to come down to the kitchen?" Harry asked, hoping to lure the man out of his room for a little exercise.

"I'll consider it. Where is Lupin?" Snape asked.

"He's in his room. I don't expect we'll see him until tomorrow morning," answered Harry.

"Ah, of course. He never comes out in wolf form. I wonder why? He is not dangerous as long as he takes his potion," Snape had a sneaking suspicion that he knew why.

"Because he doesn't want to frighten you, Sir," Harry answered truthfully. "He knows how you feel about seeing the wolf side of him and he doesn't want to put any added stress on you."

"I see. He thinks I am a coward, that I cannot handle seeing him in wolf form," Severus was not weak.

"No, Sir. He doesn't think you're a coward. He's just being considerate. You might try it some time, Sir. It can be very rewarding, believe me," Harry smiled. "I'll let you get some rest now. Remember if you need anything, just yell."

"Fine, Potter. Yes, thank you for breakfast," Severus choked out with some difficulty.

Harry smirked, grabbed the tray off the dresser and left the room. He felt pleased that he'd made even a small impression on Snape. Maybe in time the man would realize that he wasn't alone. He had people who cared and were willing to put up with his atrocious disposition.

~~~~~~

Near the end of his fourth month of pregnancy, the nausea finally passed and Severus was eternally grateful. He started eating more, and that pleased Remus to no end. In fact, Remus thought Severus must be making up for lost time because he seemed positively ravenous.

Now that Severus felt better, another problem presented itself. Every morning Severus would awake with Remus pressed against him. It was terrible and degrading because every morning Severus would wake up with his erection poking Remus in the stomach. Remus would wake up and smile at him. He always asked Severus if he could help him with that and Severus would react the same way each time. He'd growl at Lupin and leave the bed to go into the bathroom to take care of it himself. Remus would roll over and sigh in frustration.

This went on for about a week and a half, until one morning Severus awoke to an incredible feeling. He found his prick engulfed in moist heat, with something wet and wonderful sliding up and down his cock.

"Oh god," Severus moaned.

It was a tongue, and that tongue was doing wicked things to him. Attached to the tongue was a very talented mouth that sucked him in all the way to the root.

"Fuck," Severus hissed and arched his back. His hand worked its way into a soft head of hair and held on gently.

The owner of the mouth hummed around his cock and redoubled his efforts. The mouth slid up and down his prick, sending little shock waves through Severus's body until finally, his balls tightened and he released himself down the talented man's throat.

Remus pulled off and crawled back up the bed to look into Severus's eyes. Remus smiled at him and brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes. When Severus regained his senses, he pushed Lupin away with the palm of his hand and sat up in bed. He glared at the werewolf.

"What exactly did you think you were doing, Lupin?" Severus spat out and Remus visibly shrank away from him.

"You're no better than your despicable friend. Do you plan to rape me as I sleep? Oh, I'll bet you've been planning this for months now. What made you think that I would ever want your disgusting mouth on any part of my body?" Severus raged.

"You're nothing but a filthy beast!" Severus shouted. "I can't stomach the sight of you. Now get out of my bed and out of my room. Never touch me again or so help me I'll make you pay!"

Remus hung his head as tears silently rolled down his cheeks. He pushed aside the bedclothes and stumbled out of bed. When he reached the door, he turned and began to speak, words pouring out through sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Severus. I'm so sorry. I would never intentionally hurt you," Remus hiccupped. "I promise I will never touch you again. I'll go and pack now. I'll fire-call Albus to see if an Order member can stay here with you."

Remus sniffed as he opened the door to leave.

Severus watched the wolf, saw his tears and defeated look, and a pain started to burn its way through the center of his heart.

Remus was halfway out the door when Severus said, "Stop, where do you think you are going?"

Lupin turned with a confused expression on his face. Tears still rolled down his cheeks and he took a shuddering breath before he replied.

"I... I'm going to pack."

Severus shook his head, "Come back to bed."

"What? But... but, you said..."

"I know what I said, Lupin. Now come back to bed. It's cold in here and you don't want me to take a chill, do you?"

Remus looked completely perplexed, but he took a tentative step forward anyway and closed the door behind him. He stopped by the side of the bed and looked into Severus's eyes. They had softened considerably and Remus was more than a little confused.

"Are you just going to stand there, Lupin or are you going to get in the bed?"

"Um... are you sure, Severus?"

"Isn't that what I just said?"

Remus got into the bad and pulled the covers over both of them. He lay on his back, stiff as a board until Severus sighed and snuggled closer, laying his head on Remus's chest. Remus wrapped his arms around Severus, and in a few moments they had both fallen back to sleep.

When they woke for a second time, it was nearly eleven o'clock in the morning. Remus had never slept that long in his entire life, but it was worth it because he still held Severus in his arms.

Severus groaned and raised his head to look at Remus. The man looked positively gobsmacked and Severus couldn't help but smirk. He removed himself from Remus' chest, but still lay facing him.

Remus cleared his throat and asked, "Why did you let me stay, Severus?"

"Don't get sentimental on me, Lupin. It was merely for convenience. I've gotten used to you and I didn't want a stranger hanging around, sticking his nose in my business. You do understand, don't you?"

"Perfectly," Remus replied and started to get up, but Severus laid a hand on his shoulder, stilling his movement.

Lupin rolled onto his side and faced Severus. The man had a very odd look in his eyes. Remus wished he knew what the man was thinking, but Legilimency was never his forte.

Fortunately, it was Severus forte'. Dark eyes burned into his soul and a silky voice called out softly, "Legilimens."

Memories swirled inside Remus' mind, past events that began in their school days and made their way up to the present. Severus felt the raw emotions the plagued the man throughout the years. He watched in horror as the wolf attacked him in his youth. He felt Remus's pain over the attack and even his wish to end his own life after the event occurred.

He realized for the first time that Remus really hadn't known about it and he felt Remus' anger at Black. He saw Remus' rage over his rape and he felt all of the love Remus had held for him over the course of twenty years.

Remus Lupin was deeply and truly in love with him. He always had been, just the way he'd said he was when this all began. It was mind-boggling. Remus never struggled against Severus' intrusion, he just lay there and let Severus walk through his mind until satisfied with what he found there and Severus retreated.

Severus was filled with a sense of longing, a longing for all of the lost years they could've shared together. Severus had once loved Remus and deep down Severus still loved Remus to this day. He'd spent his whole life hating and seeking revenge for something that was never Remus' fault. He felt so guilty and dirty. The incident at the shrieking shack had been the real cause behind his joining Voldemort. He'd wanted revenge against all the people he thought had wronged him in the past.

Severus leaned in and kissed a very startled Remus. The man's eyes widened in surprise and Severus smirked at his utter bewilderment. He pulled Remus on top of him and kissed him for real this time.

Remus didn't argue-he shoved his tongue into Severus's mouth at the first opportunity and ground his erection into Severus's hips. Remus finally realized that Severus' own erection was grinding just a furiously into his own hip.

"God, Severus, I want you so much. I want to make love to you," Remus gasped out between frantic kisses.

"I want you too, Remus. I've wanted you for far too long and now I'm going to have you, even if it's only for one day."

"Not just for one day, Severus. This is for always," Remus whispered softly as he placed gentle kisses along Severus's jaw.

"As usual, you are delusional, Lupin, but then I must be as well because I might actually believe you."

TBC

Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link